Wordle Is Your Crystal Ball

How about a little satire?

Do you like him or is he just good at Wordle? 

Want a peek into your future with your new bae?

FIRST WORD

If his first word is T-R-A-I-N, then he is young at heart and probably still has all his Thomas the Tank toys. Perhaps he regrets his decision to go to college instead of riding the rails with a new adventure at every station. He only used two vowels so you better check on that college degree.

Maybe his first word is T-E-A-R-S. He is in touch with his emotions and is ready to cry with you when you watch PS I Love You for the thirty-sixth time. Have the tissues handy because this guy also only used two vowels.

If his first word is S-I-R-E-D, be prepared for the baby mommas to come out of the woodwork. S and R and D are good choices, but still only two vowels. Despite his virility, let this one go right away. Save yourself the legal fees and whatever you do, don’t wait for him to finish.

L-A-T-E-R is his first word? He is a procrastinator who uses only two vowels for his first play. You know what to do.

He types A-L-O-N-E. At last, a word with three vowels. He can tell you how he feels–but he’s sitting right next to you. You need to decide right then and there how many resources you have for a lifetime of couple’s therapy.

Be careful if he plays A-D-I-E-U. Yes, he used four vowels and he might speak French (so romantic), but is he telling you he wants to break up?

Anyone who plays R-O-A-T-E off the bat is a keeper. Admit it, you had to look this word up. It’s good to be with someone who challenges you. It’s especially good to be with someone who knows that roate has to do with earnings and shareholders. Who doesn’t want the promise of financial stability?

SECOND WORD

If he made it past the first word, good for you. But what if he chooses H-O-V-E-L instead of H-O-T-E-L for his next guess? You can bet he leaves dirty clothes all over the floor, expired food in the fridge, and has a garage full of unorganized who-knows-what. You need to ask yourself how many 5-star vacations you don’t want to go on. 

Maybe he plays D-E-A-T-H instead of E-A-R-T-H. This will require a serious conversation about the adorableness of polar bears, penguins, and sea turtles–plus the benefits of public transportation. Does he even garden, bruh? 

If P-L-E-A-D or D-R-E-A-D or A-W-F-U-L are anywhere in his game, he’s a Negative Nellie and his glass is only half full. Do you want him to bring you down? Send him on his way.

HOWEVER…

When you see T-A-S-T-E, C-R-A-V-E, or S-C-R-E-W in his game, be ready for a night of orgasmic bliss. Beware his level of neediness once the sheets are a sweaty, knotted pile on the floor.

If he plays B-U-L-G-E, B-E-A-S-T, or C-R-E-A-M at any time in the game, you have some decisions to make. It might be a fun ride, but how hovel-looking do you want your bedroom to be?

Conversely, if any of his word choices include L-O-V-E-D or H-E-A-R-T or A-D-O-R-E, propose to him on the spot. Even if he only used two vowels or can’t guess the correct five-letter word in six tries, do not let this one go. He’s ready to put you first and that makes you the winner.

A version of this piece first appeared on the Little Old Lady Comedy website (8-2023): https://www.littleoldladycomedy.com/all-works/the-new-boyfriend-test?rq=wordle